Reporting Live From the Toddler Bed

Ow.

Muther flucking OWWWWWWW!

I'm reporting live, to you, as a twisted mangled mess, from the toddler bed.  Don't believe me?  Well here I am:

Exhibit A ....  Smashed in bed

 Yes, that is me, in all my glory, in my dorky pajamas, jammed into this small bed next to my precious peanut who absolutely refuses to go to sleep alone in this lovely piece of furniture my mother gave her when she was born.   I can only pray that you focus on my sleeping child in that photo and not my Little House On the Prairie pjs.

By the way, whomever came up with the "its a crib with a changing table! ...No, its a toddler bed with the same changing table! ...No, its a regular bed with a night table attached!" concept was brilliant.  I won't need to buy another bed for her for years.  For those of you who saw "Airplane", please go back and read the first sentence in this paragraph as it was intended for the full effect.  (Its a hat....no its a brooch...) 

Anyway, I'm laying here, with my ass  hanging off the side of the bed, wondering how many other parents are doing the same thing.  I know there are tons of us.  My knees and hips are aching from bending this weird way to jam my suddenly-too-tall self in this bed. My core muscles are cramping from trying to balance myself in bed without clinging to my child.  My one arm is about to snap off  because I have it over our heads and twisted so neither of us has to lay on it.

Each time I move even a smidgen I go back to thinking that I need to lose weight now more than ever,  because the creaking that the bed frame makes as I lay down scares me.  I lay down in slow motion, silently telling the bed, "Okay, easy now.  I'm getting in slow.  You have time to adjust to the additional weight. (Creak)  Hey!  Don't you break on me!  How will I explain this to people if I hurt myself?  Allie will be traumatized and never want to get back in bed!" (Yes, I'm still working the No Trauma Bedtime Method)

For those of you wondering what possessed me to start laying in bed with Allie until she falls asleep, I had supporting evidence that it would be just fine. A year ago, when this bed was still in crib form, Justin got IN with Allie because she wouldn't fall asleep. And it WAS effective in getting her to fall asleep. I remember being shocked and asking, "You got IN? And its still standing??! And the baby isn't squashed????" This is how I got the nerve up to get in now. I figured if it didn't collapse when he did it, surly it would be fine for me. If this sucker breaks, I just know my big argument is going to be "But it held HIM! Why wouldn't I try it???"

It doesn't help that all of Allie's "friends"are in here with us.  Molly the Dolly, Augie the Doggie, Willow the Pillow, Green Bear, White Bear, Blue Monkey and, sometimes, Bruce the Moose.  I guess its evident which stuffed animals she received on my more creative days, huh?  My mother is right....I need help.

The same damn lullaby CD is playing that has played every night for over two years.  The nightlight is dimmed just right.  And somehow I will do a dismount backwards off of this bed,  super slowly, looking like A ninja  practicing my Twister skills while holding my breath and praying she doesn't wake up.  Because LET ME TELL YOU, the thought of her waking up and having to contort my shit back into this position brings tears to my eyes.  Its like being in the backseat of a car for too long, getting out and then having the driver say all causally, "Oh, this isn't it.  Get back in."  Fuck NO I won't!  I'll walk my crippled ass to our final destination before I get back in there!

And while I'm bitching, I can't wait until I can tell a story other than "Jack and the Magic Beans".  (I couldn't remember the whole story, so my version is more about the acquisition of said magic beans and the beanstalk, and less about the giant at the top of it.)  I miss the two months of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears".  I had that one down pat.  I could write a full screen play for that fairy tale.  "The Three Little Pigs" only lasted five days.  I think my version was a little too preachy. The Brick House Pig was very "I told you so"ish.  Apparently two year olds AND the other two pigs don't enjoy a smartypants pig.

If you have any bedtime stories that were winners that you would like to share, please please PLEASE do so!! Since I hear that the delicate breathing has turned into light snoring, I'm going to make a break for it. For those of you who aren't as lucky and are still doing time, God speed and may the force be with you. You're time is coming.  Our thoughts are with you.

This has been Flip Side Mom, reporting live from the toddler bed......back to you....

Sleeping Beauty vs. Beauty Sleep

Every time I look at my daughter sleeping, Im amazed by her innocence, sweetness and perfection. I've felt this way since her first sleep and ,if anything, Im even MORE awestruck by it all than I was 29 months ago. She can sleep anywhere, whenever she's ready to do so. She seems to be more beautiful and precious than ever.

And Im freakin exhausted! I wake up with dark circles under my eyes, splotchy skin and a whole mess o' crankiness to amplify my not-so-fabulousness. I used to sleep like a rock and wake up feeling wonderful, but that is apparently over. I cant remember the last time i slept the entire night without Allie coming into bed at some point. I wake up at least twice during the night due to a foot in my ribs or getting throat punched by a little flailing arm or the ready cry for "Binky?!" that she tossed aside in her sleep.

This week we decided to take the front off of her crib in her room and try to entice her with the lure of "the big girl bed". Everything was going so well and we were playing all of the appropriate mind games in order to make sleeping in her own room sound good; i.e. reverse psychology "so, Allie, tonight you're going to have to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed, okay?" She was determined to sleep in her own bed and I could almost feel the benefits of a proper night's sleep at my doorstep.

Then my neurotic worrying was triggered. The bed rail that we bought to keep Miss Thrashalot in her bed while she is sleeping did NOT fit. Justin came downstairs and said, "Would you believe in that short period of time I took it out of the box, assembled it, unassembled it, and put it back in the box?". It was too big. I felt defeated. Another night of abuse at the hands, legs, head, feet, arms of a toddler. She would sleep with us.

Justin was surprised by my decision. "Why can't she sleep in there anyway?? It's just one night!" Someone else was anticipating getting our bed back to being just OUR bed again too. "She will fall out. She rolls all over the place. What if she hurts herself? Or if she falls out and gets scared and then doesn't want to go back in there again? This has to be a thoroughly positive experience. We cant risk it!" You would think we were planning some sort of military operation. Operation Sleep Alone.

My Babies R Us coupon is ready to go. The drive to Middletown is planned. We are not coming home without the bedrail. Right now, Allie is sleeping sprawled out in the center of our bed...sleeping soundly and becoming more lovely by the minute. Im off to find some eye cream. I foresee puffiness and dark circles in my very near future.