Potty Training and Droopy Boobs

Happy Hump Day, people!

Thanksgiving is just 8 days away and Christmas is..... well, it's coming soon.  I don't want to even check the number because it just completely freaks me out that Christmas is coming and I haven't shopped.  I'm still in the brainstorming phase.  There is a list and there are plans, but there's no money, so we are going to put in a little more time brainstorming.

To those of you who are done holiday shopping, I have two things to say.....
#1 - I am sincerely impressed and jealous of your ability to plan, execute and complete a yearly task that, for most people, evokes the desire to get hammered instead.
#2 - Also, f**k you.  I say that with love.

On to other things....

About a year ago we started the potty training process.  Again, we were in the brainstorming phase.  (We seem to spend an inordinate amount of time doing that.)  Potties were purchased, research was done, books were brought home for Allie, pull up diapers were bought, stuff was happening.  I spoke with parents and got advice and took notes.

One thing that I kept hearing and reading was, "She will do it when she's ready."  But did I believe that?  Nooooo.

After all, I was hearing stories about parents who were able to potty train their kids in a week or a weekend or even overnight.  These kids just caught right on and did it.   Poised and precise pee-ers and poopers.

But many of them were doing it because they couldn't send their kids to preschool unless they were out of diapers or they were just tired of changing diapers and felt their kids were ready.  I was really sympathetic to the first group, since a lot of people don't have a choice.  They need to send their kids to school and have no choice but to give a crash course in potty protocol.

Allie was intrigued by the whole process, but she wasn't committed to this new way of life.  If you've been reading this blog, you've seen how seriously she has been taking this so far.  (See It's My Potty And I'll Try If I Want To )  That potty seat spent more time on her head than under her tushy.  It was both entertaining and discouraging.

However, through it all, I kept going back to that one statement. "She will do it when she's ready."

And she did!

Yeeeee haw!!!

Mind you, she hasn't quite mastered it yet, but she's super close.

Out of nowhere she started telling us she was going to use the bathroom.  She even began asking for "Privacy please" as she shut the door in our faces.  Every day she spent more and more time in her "big girl underpants".  I don't know what motivated her, but I'm not going to question it.  I don't want to jinx it again.  We were thisclose to being potty trained in May and she totally regressed, so I know first hand that anything can happen!

I'm so proud of her.  I never thought I could be so thrilled about someone using a toilet, but I am.  There's practically a parade going through my house every time it happens.

Before I go, I have to get something else off my chest.  (Pun totally intended.)

My boobs are falling.

Yes, you read that right.  And I hate to be a downer bringing this up, but I need support right now (again, pun intended).

I know this has been a work in progress for a few years now, but it only really hit me today.  And I'm shocked, to be honest.   I thought I was cheating the system.

WRONGO.

As a teenager, I slept with a bra on because I never wanted droopy boobs.  As an adult, I spent a fortune on bras.  The past few years, I've bought top of the line sports bras to wear while I'm working.  And what do I get in return?  Floppy breasts.  Gee, thanks.

The moral of this story?  You can't beat nature.  The aging process stops for no one.  Not even Joan Rivers or Lara Flynn Boyle.  They THINK they are winning, but we all see how damn scary they actually look while trying to look "young".  Wrinkle free does not mean ageless, peeps!

If you are young and have big breasts, your boobies will be sagging too one day.  So enjoy them while you can.  And start saving for quality lingerie.  Because you're going to need it if you want to make it look like they're still perky at 40.  Or you can get "breast augmentation surgery".  Either way, start saving your dollars.

Enjoy the second half of your week, friends!

If you clickity click on the banner below, it will seem like nothing happened, but it did!  You can close the window as soon as it opens if you like.  T'anks peeps!

Optimism At Work and Play

I actually own rose colored glasses, and they seriously do make everything look better!  That's no cheesy cliche.  If you ever have a chance to try a pair, do so.  I bought mine as custom made prescription sunglasses, so I can't recommend any particular pair for you.  I will say that they were worth every penny and when they die, I shall spend every last bit as much to get another pair made.  The only disappointing part is that sometimes I will see something beautiful and when I take them off to look at it again, that same thing is kinda blah.  They "pretty up" your surroundings.  We ALL should own rose colored glasses.

Where am I going with this?  I am aiming for optimism.  Not just "wishing for things to turn out well in the future" but also "seeing things now in a more positive light".  It's difficult to maintain the second one, but if you incorporate a smidgen of humor you can achieve optimism at any time.  Let me give you an example:

This was the sight I walked into one morning at a customer's house.   This person has a one year old puppy and the first day that he decided to leave the dog out of his crate, major damage occurred.  A blue pen was destroyed on the off white carpet, the recyclables were un-recycled (not a word) and slobberfied (another non-word), the morning coffee grinds were eaten and....the worst offense in the world of men....the remotes were chewn.

Listen, I know "chewn" is not a real word either, but Justin came up with it years ago and it just feels right when talking about things our pets destroy with their teeth.  He came to me once holding a clock radio with the cord sliced in half by our rabbit and declared, "No more! I'm gonna kill him!  Look!  It's totally chewn!" On the other hand, this happened many times and Justin now the king of wire splicing due to all of that practice fixing our electronics.  See how that optimism works??!!

Back to the doggie destruction.  That photo is only one corner of the damage.  There was a lot more.  I was tired and crabby and in no mood to deal with more work than I planned on for the day.  However, I stopped for a moment and thought about my dearly departed dog Shiminute.  He was the master of destruction.  We once had a situation so bad that we referred to the event as "The 14 Points of Shiminuian Destruction".  So many things were eaten and "processed" that we couldn't tell if it was poop or the chocolate cake he tore into that was on our walls.  That story is 15 years old and we STILL tell it.  NOW we laugh.  The only thing missing was photo documentation.

I looked around me and smiled and said, "I'm gonna take pictures of this so he will be able to have evidence when he tells this story years from now."  Optimism. I took a ton of them!  And I told my customer how he would appreciate them some day too.  I know because I have another customer whose Christmas Tree was dismantled and dragged down a flight of stairs the first time she left her dog out of the crate for a few hours.  I didn't think of taking pictures until I dragged it back up stairs and propped that half naked tree back up in the stand.  We both wish that I had thought of the camera a bit sooner that day!

So, when I hear stories about children who have been potty trained way before Allie, or who started speaking far earlier than she did, or began walking when she was still hanging out on the floor, I stop myself from comparing and feeling as if there's something wrong with either me or my child.  Instead I bust out my optimism. "Thank God she has her father all day and doesn't need to be potty trained in order to go to preschool. She can do it when she's ready."  "She'll have plenty of time to talk.  My mother still talks about being careful what I wish for because I never shut up once I started."  "Once she starts walking she's going to be all over the place so let's enjoy being able to catch her without breaking a sweat for now."

The last time I checked, the high school didn't have many 15 year olds who preferred wearing diapers, babbled only in baby language, and crawled to class.  She'll be just fine!  So fine that she runs all over the place, talks constantly (my mother warned me!) and tells us so frequently that she wants to hang out on the "big girl potty" that we are considering installing a refrigerator and recliner in both bathrooms so we don't have to sit on the floor while starving for so many hours during the day.

Speaking of which, Allie got another big girl potty from the Easter Bunny (a/k/a Grandma)  She loves it so much.  I have no idea what her obsession is with putting these things over her face.  She made BOTH of us join her in the potty celebration this time.

The optimistic side of this particular situation is three-fold:
1- She will NEVER put these things on her head again once her little
tiny tushy touches them for their intended purpose.  Ewww.
2- She loves the idea of using the potty so much that she wishes she could wear one.  I'm confident this idea will not continue much longer since we will NEVER let her leave our home wearing it as an accessory.
3- She loves us so much that she wants us to join her in her little potty seat jubilee.  Girlfriend loves a party!

It's My Potty and I'll Try When I Want To

Potty Training is probably the only time in our lives when people cheer because we "made a peepee in the potty!"  You might see it again later in life after some strange medical procedure, but toddlerhood is pretty much it.  You go, there's a fuss, everyone is excited, and maybe a reward is involved.  It's the best!

I bought Allie a potty in August 2012.  We took it out of the box, she dropped trou, picked up reading material and sat down on the potty right in the middle of the living room.  It was hilarious.  She was already like a 40 year old man with her bathroom habits.  "How did this happen", I asked Justin?  

Well, it was soon made clear.  When you're home alone with a toddler, you tend to bring them with you when you go to the bathroom if its not going to be a lightening quick visit.  Justin was always bringing Allie with him because she is definitely not to be trusted in any room by herself for more than 30 seconds.  So, the little demo in the livingroom came courtesy of observing her father in the "little wrangler's room" for months.  He was going to be who she modeled so he had to be verrrrrry careful with this particular part of parenting.

We decided we weren't going to push potty training.  If she wanted to use it, the potty was there.  She loved the book 'My Big Girl Potty' by Joanna Cole, so that was encouraging.  The main character, Ashley, was her favorite ever in any book and we used that to our advantage a LOT; i.e. "Ashley always finishes her dinner", "I bet Ashley goes to bed before 10pm", etc.

About a week after the potty was delivered, the following photo was sent to me in a text from my husband:

There was a message that said, "I don't think she gets it."  What can I say......the child is a nutcase like her mother and will do anything for a laugh like her father.  No one in my family was surprised when I forwarded this to them.

Flash forward seven months.....

Allie pooped on the potty a week ago.  We were so shocked that I just stared at it for about a minute.  'There's a huge pile of poop in there!  She said she had to go and THIS time she meant it.  Holy shit.'  I texted everyone.  I was so proud.  She didnt start with the easy work.  She went right for the pooper.  On St. Patrick's Day last week, she peed for the first time in the potty.  There should've been a gun shot because at that moment, I realized ITS ON!  Let the games begin!!