Playboy Dirt - Holly vs. Kendr-UGH!

I've become a book hoarding whore.

Yes, it's as bad as it sounds.  I listen to Audible.com all day while I work, then I spend a little time each day writing my own book, then I actually read books late at night thru Kindle.  My daughter has an obscene collection of books and we still take out more at the library.  We have 12 book shelves full of books that I struggle to part with.  I keep books in the bedroom, bathroom, living room and my car.  If you open my trunk, you see books there too.  I collect books from people and donate them.  And the icing on my cake of insanity? During my "free time"  (i.e. stuck in traffic, walking an extra-sniffy dog or in the bathroom) I look on Amazon for MORE books that might catch my eye.

But now I've found literary whoredome.  What is that?  Its when you JUST CAN'T HELP YOURSELF AND SPEND YOUR TIME OBSESSIVELY READING SOMETHING TRASHY.

And what might that be?

I know you all are curious!

It's this.....

And you know what?

I'm just loving it!!!!  It's a gossipy little publication that I can't put down.

Here's the thing.  I used to see commercials and ads for Holly Madison's "Girls Next Door" show on E!  At the time, I was a devoted US Magazine reader (it was the Entertainment Bible, you know!) and  there was always something in US about the show or one of the girls.  That gawd awful Kendra Wilkinson kept me from ever watching it, but I always thought 'that Holly girl looks too sweet and normal to be involved with these people'.  She seemed somehow "better than" the others.

Her story is a doozie!  She was a target for almost every female that lived in the Playboy mansion because..... here it is again..... she was too nice.  (HOW DARE SHE???  That's just the worst, like,  EVER!)  Unfortunately, her self image was crap and she permitted the abuse, so it was kind of doomed to happen.  I don't want to give too much away, so I'll silence any rant I have about her story.

BUT.....

I deeeespise that Kendra!  She always annoyed me.  A few weeks ago, we turned the tv on and as we skimmed by the channels, we saw that she was sitting in bed with her husband, berating him about how he had an affair with a transexual.  Just on and on and on and on with her never ending bitching and sense of entitlement.  She's wrecked because she can't believe he cheated on HER!  And with a transexual!  But not too wrecked to resist telling the entire world about how wronged she was and to emasculate her husband (who already lost a good bit of his manly rep by cheating with a transexual individual).

All I could think of was, "Do you know how pathetic you look?  If my husband cheated on me, the last thing I would be doing is telling everyone in the world just so people could feel sorry for me!  Instead, we all are thinking that you must be quite the bitch by the way your are carrying on and no wonder he cheated!"  (women everywhere just cringed..... sorry!)

Quit being a mess, Kendra!  We are over it.  Zip it!

Now I read this little sassy story by Holly Madison and see that Kendra was always a self-serving, fame hungry, entitled witch.  You know why she's so mad about the book?  Let me tell you why!  It's not because Holly said a lot of nice things about her (which she DID)  It's because HOW DARE someone repeat her rotten behavior from that point in her life???!!  SHE'S A VICTIM, DAMMIT!!!  And only SHE can rehash the horrible behavior of others..... like her husband, Hank.

Side note: any PR person who can fix that man's image should be a billionaire.   Lamar Odom will recover faster from his own scandal than Hank will, because his wife won't shut the fluck up about it! We will surely never forgot how he did her wrong and she doesn't want us to.

Kendra..... The Mascot for The Girls of Entitlement

And so, my friends, it is here that I regret to inform you that many of the members of Generation Z (after the millenials, are now in their late 30's) think that Kendra is "awesome" and "so cool".  They can relate to her and think that her attitude is totally spot on.  I can barely stand looking at her, so that explains why I do a lot of head shaking when I'm around the Zs.  (You know who they are by the narcisstic and/or complaining posts on Facebook.... it's all about how they are fabulous and/or have been wronged by everyone, including you at some point, even though you don't know it)  

I think her book may be the hidden manual for how to deal with the Zs.  What we need is someone to read it and evaluate this nut so we know what we are dealing with.  Any volunteers?

God help us all.

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Stuck In An ATM Vestibule With Jill Goodacre

The title is actually a shout out to fellow "Friends" fans.  If you were a fan of the show, you just envisioned Chandler sitting on the floor of an ATM vestibule, on the phone with Monica, trying to indicate his whereabouts without moving his lips.  Then you saw Joey take the phone, listen and hand it back to her, saying, "He's stuck in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre" as if it was an every day occurrence.

I was indeed stuck in an ATM vestibule this weekend, but it was not with Jill Goodacre.  It was with a teenager, his mother and three other adults who all wanted to heave the little shit through the glass door.

Justin, Allie and I were at the town farmers market when we realized that between the three of us, Allie was probably the one with the most cash on her.  Allie and I went to use the ATM and when we reached for the door handle, we saw that there were six seriously annoyed adults standing around a 6 foot tall, chubby young man.  

The ATM is in the bank entrance, which is slightly larger than a bathroom stall for handicapped people.  (The entrance, not the bank.  That would be a very tiny bank!)  Everyone shimmied over a bit so Allie and I could get inside this little box and take our place in line.  

The teenager, who I shall refer to as Jackass (which is better than my original nickname of F**kface), was in front of the ATM and his mom was hovering over him, asking, "Did you punch in $280?  You need to punch in $280.  Oh my gawd.  Start over.  You didn't do it right."

At that point, his father sighed, his sister rolled her eyes, and they both left.  I kind of knew then that something was amiss.  

It's easier to just give you the dialogue at this point, because I'll just drag this on and on with angry details, so here we go:

Jackass: "This is stupid."

Mom: "It's not stupid.  Just pay attention and get it over with!"

Jackass: "I AM paying attention!"

Mom: "No you're not! You just did it again!  You typed $2800.  What are you doing??!!"

I looked at the people on either side of me and we all did that shrug-and-smile thing that you do when you aren't sure what's going on, but you know you should wait it out.  To be perfectly honest, because it was taking so long and he was hesitating with his responses to his mother, I thought that maybe he was mentally challenged and his mom was a rather impatient bitch.

Jackass: "There.  I did it."

Mom: "No.  You didn't.  You aren't paying attention.  This is ridiculous.  Hurry up!"

Jackass:  "Shut up."

Nice.  He told his mother to shut up.  Okay.  Now I think I see why mom is a little flustered.  She turned around to us a few times and mouthed "I'm sorry" during this episode and I was starting to think that maybe his mom was just at her limit with patience.

I need to clarify something for those of you who don't live in the Tri-State area, which includes New York, New Jersey and Connecticut.  We all are in a freakin' hurry.  Even those of us here in cow country.  We might live in the sticks, but we are still New Yorkers and we don't have time for bullshit.  

I have a friend from NJ who waits at a red light, watching the light of the intersecting traffic.  When that sucker turns red, if the brake lights of the person in front of her don't go out in preparation to accelerate, she lays on the horn.  (You know who you are, my little onion hater! lol)  In a nutshell, regardless of what you are doing, if other people are affected by your speed, get your shit moving.

Back to the ATM.

Mom: "You really need to look at the world around you.  There is a line!  And there are people outside waiting too."

Silence.

Mom: "Oh my God!  Stop texting!!!  You can type "yes" and "no" when you finish!  There is A LINE!"

Jackass: "SHUT....UP!"

It was at this point that I felt my throat closing up and I could feel my heart pounding through my chest.  I took a deep breath and just kept holding Allie close to me.   Everyone stopped smiling and we all stared at him like vultures looming over a wounded animal.  If he didn't scamper away in a few seconds, his death was eminent.  

This ignorant, selfish, rude, oblivious, entitled, mother f**king jackass was TEXTING while we were waiting patiently in line behind him!!  

TEXTING!  Something reserved for moments of solitude.  Not when you are sharing air in a tiny space with many humans who are in a rush to get money to buy vegetables, wine and baked goods from local farmers who are struggling to make a living.   And let me tell you, the bakery lady at the entrance sells out quick, so if you aren't snappy with your arrival time, it's "no cookies for you!"  This is critical stuff here!

Jackass took the money that the ATM finally spit out and just walked out the door.  He didn't look at any of us.  No acknowledgement, no apologies, no shrug-and-smile.  Not even a "screw you, peons!"  And his mom just scampered right after him.

We all just looked at each other in awe.  "What just happened?"  "Did she say he was texting?"  "He didn't even look apologetic."  "What in the hell is wrong with kids?"

For a moment, I got really scared.  Was this my future?  Was this what the teenage stage looked like in the 21st Century?  Was my little sweetpea going to grow into a self-absorbed monster like Jackass?  Was I going to be able to divert the process and at least make her semi-aware?  

Then I heard the rage inside of me and realized that this was not going to be Allie's future.  At least not without a fight.  I couldn't live in the same house with a child that behaved like that!  

If that was me, my mother would've taken that phone out of my hands, opened the door and winged the phone into traffic before she would let it get to that point.  And that is most likely what I would do, too.  Of course, I'd be kicking myself later as I gave my credit card number to the phone company to purchase a replacement, but you can be sure that there would be no Next Day Delivery on that sucker.  "Send it carrier pigeon.  She can wait."

On a happier note, after the farmers' market, we went to the grocery store and this was my pretty little shopping assistant....

She loved the Customer In Training flag

This was her first solo shopping cart mission, so it was packed full of entertainment.  The cart toppled over sideways three times ("Don't worry, Al.  It happens to everyone.  Let's keep moving, honey.") and she was eventually given a 20-Paces-Behind-Or-Your-Cart-Priviledges-Will-Be-Revoked warning after   slamming into my heels one too many times.  Mind you, she would get distracted by something and realize she had to catch up to me, so this cart collision was happening while running at full speed.

I thought of you all during this escapade as I envisioned a photo of her reaching out to one of the beer displays.  There were a few potential captions that made me giggle, but I really didn't have the nerve to do it.  What kind of parent sets their two year old up for a photo to look like she's purchasing beer at the supermarket?  

She's looking at the Corona display here.  I was THISCLOSE!

It was the shame that stopped me.  For once, shame beat the silly out of me.