Too School For Cool

School is back.

What the hell?

Didn't summer just start?   Here in NY, it didn't even get moving until mid-July and just when I started enjoying it, BAM!  School.

Allie will be in Pre-K this year.  Her last year before her formal education begins.  The last year that she probably will enjoy the entire day of school.  After this there is homework.  Yes, Kindergarten has homework.

What the hell?  Again!

What happened to half days of Kindergarten where you fought over all of the germy toys, took naps, and ran around like lunatics?  Now they are full days of school, and the toys and running around are limited.  And no freakin' nap! 

The nap has officially been removed from the curriculum.  This, my friend, is where the nap went to die.  I had hoped that the other grades would catch on to the handiness of the nap and then eventually this would evolve into a mandatory daily work event.  When you're five, you don't want to nap!  It's when you're 35 that you need a siesta!

Think about it.... 2pm in the middle of the day, you bust out your comfy pillow and favorite woobie and take a snoozle.  25 minutes later, you wake up refreshed and ready to move on.  It would BEHOOVE companies to have a mandatory nap time.  

Also, rumor has it that kids should be reading in Kindergarten.  When I was in Kindergarten, there were two kids who knew how to read.  And they were shipped off to sit with the 2nd graders for a bit during the morning for some sort of kiddie book club.  And those kids really wanted to just stay in the classroom and play with the germy toys, take a nap, and run around.  You were a freak if you knew how to read at that age.  Now it's no biggie.  My mother can no longer puff up with pride when she tells people that I was one of those two reading freaks.  Parents these days are probably thinking "Big whoop.  All kindergarteners can read now.  Get over yourself."

Speaking of reading, I thought I'd clarify a little something. 

As I mentioned last time, yes I am writing a book.  I will not tell you what the book is about yet, but I can confirm that it is NOT a memoir or about a certain scandalous company that I used to work for.  Are we clear on that?  All of the people from my past do not need to worry.  I'm not going to share deep, dark secrets about past relationships, so you can chill out.  

Now, in regards to that aforementioned scandalous company, should someone come into a little cashola and want to pay me to gather info and write a book, then I'm available and I'm talkin'!  We all spent our years at that place saying, "I could totally write a book about this place.  The shit that happens here is craaaaaaaazy!"  You know who you all are!  If you're up for it, I'm game!

It's a fiction novel and I'm 1/3 done.  I'm doing research and whatnot now before continuing but I'm very excited about doing it.  November is National Novel Writing Month and I'm hoping to finish the next third of the book as I join the other NaNoWriMos (yes, this is an actual organization) in the commitment to write 50,000 words of my novel.

Anyway, back to school......

Tomorrow is orientation for Allie's school and Friday will be her first day back to school.  I will be taking the obligatory "First Day of Pre-K" photo and I might even post it on Facebook or Instagram like the rest of the parental population.  I'm sure the people without little deductions roll their eyes and groan when school begins as we parents clog up their social media with photos of kids they don't care about.  I'm pretty sure I was an eye roller before Allie.  But throughout the flurry of photos, someone posted this and I can't believe it took so long for someone to come up with this witty little snapshot:

Well done, KC Walsh!  Well done!

And while I'm complaining, does anyone know who the fucker was that decided all swimming pools should close on Labor Day?  Who was that rotten bastard?  And why Labor Day?  Every year, it's blazing freakin' hot the week of Labor Day and I stand there, sweating, on my front lawn, ogling the pool across the street that's completely full of water and totally operational..... but padlocked.  

I hate them.  They should be sent to Guantanamo Bay Detention Center, forced it sit in the sun and stare at a refreshing body of water for just as long as I have to sweat outside and gawk at my pool.  It's just plain wrong.   At least drain the damn thing so I don't have to look at it, and be tortured by the memories of the cool refreshing water that I submerged my body into on those dreadfully hot sunny days.

And with that, I must leave you to put my little human, and my big self,  into bed.  After all, it's a pre-school night!

Toodles!

xoxox

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Surviving Preschool And Doggie Drags

I apologize for my absenteeism the past week or so.  I had a bit of the "out and downs".

No, not the down and outs.  I went out and ended up down.  On the ground.  Twice in 48 hours.  I got my ass kicked by two 100+ pound dogs during leisurely walks around their neighborhoods.

I am woman, hear me fall! (On the upside, Operation Fattypants has left me with 18.8 fewer pounds to hit the ground.)

The first dog was an enormous one year old black lab who thinks every living being should be greeted with Marmaduke-like enthusiasm.  

Marmaduke-like Enthusiasm - Exhibit A

Unfortunately, if you're at the other end of the leash and not holding onto a tree when it happens, you will become very well acquainted with the surrounding grass and/or shrubberies.

I feel like I'm freakishly strong, but some things are just BV (Beyond Vic).  When he saw another puppy, he took off.  And I went flying as I stumbled, tripped on the sidewalk, and did a face plant into the grass.  I was a human kite. Very attractive and professional.

The second mishap happened two days later.  I was walking a large and sturdy Swiss Mountain dog when a potential customer approached me with her two dogs.  He lunged, pain shot thru my right side and off he went, as I caught myself on a conveniently placed holly (ouch!) bush.  

The only thing I could say to the woman was a deadpan, "Wow.  That must make you feel REALLY confident about my abilities, huh?"  Fortunately this dog has done this to his owner, so if only one of my 20 visits was a fail, I guess I looked pretty good. She hired me.

Needless to say, my body was killing me.  And I discovered that if I lost use of my right arm, I'm entirely unprepared to start using the left.  My mom asked if there was anything she could do to help and my answer was, "Sure.  Could you come over around 730am and shampoo the right side of my head?"  Try brushing your teeth with your other hand.  It's like you've never brushed teeth before.

Oh! Hey!  I survived preschool!

No one had to take me to the loony bin.  I thought for sure that Justin was going to be a mess, but it was me, not him, who started crying when we got in the car.  It felt like just the other day that I was getting to know this tiny, new being in the hospital.  Suddenly, she talks, walks, and bosses us around, and we are leaving her with strangers for 2.5 hours twice a week.  How in the hell did THAT happen???

As Phil Robertson would say, "Happy happy happy."

At the open house, I joked with the teachers to not be afraid if they see Justin lurking in the woods with camouflage and surveillance equipment.  He warned them not to worry about the string that would be running from her ankle and out the door, because he would be on the other end and just wasn't ready to cut the cord.

Allie and Daddy after her first day

She did very well when we finally left and I kept hearing your words of advice (extra thank you to Madeleine M.!).  The teachers said she was just fine and asked once where we were.  When she told Allie that we went to the store to get something, she suspiciously asked, "They aren't outside without me are they?!"  Leave it her to be worried that she might be missing out while we were playing with all of the awesome toys outside.

Serving me tea at our pretend tea party at school.  Shortly after this I was sobbing in the car .

Allie has wonderful teachers who are truly lovely people.  I'm so excited for her!  I'm also sad for us.  She has officially taken her first major step toward independence and education and a social life of her own.  I really hope I am able to help her navigate all of this well.

You all should hope that I don't have any of your phone numbers because I foresee me making desperate calls saying, "You'll never believe what she just did!  What in hell am I supposed to do NOW???"

Opening her very first "big girl backpack" that was delivered AFTER she got home, of course.

By the way, Happy 50th Blog Post!  I can't believe that no one hacked and cancelled my blog account 49 posts ago.  Yous guys/Y'all/Younz keep letting me ramble on, which still amazes me.  Thanks for sticking around, even if you just got here!