Cheater, Cheater Feedback

Some very interesting responses have come in since Monday's blog post!  I noticed that at first that there was nothing but crickets and a few tumbleweeds rolling around.  No one seemed to want to touch that subject with a ten foot pole, even if their neighbor was holding said pole.

Then the responses started trickling in.  What I love the most about getting feedback is that it makes me think.  Im open to hearing other people's views and there have been times when those people have changed my viewpoint a bit as well.  And other times I haven't changed my perspective at all but it gave me information about the other person that helped me understand them better.  

The first response was from my cousin, Liesl.  She picked up on something pretty obvious that I totally missed.  "I have to mention that the author has now publicly, at least twice, told the listeners that her husband is an utter and total loser who cheated when she struggled to protect an unborn child.  Does that actually count as leaving it alone?"

Good point.  While Wendy Williams said that she didnt bring it up while arguing, she kind of overlooked the fact that every time she mentions her husband's cheating its like scratching a scab off an open wound trying to heal.  I wondered what her husband was thinking while he sat in the Green Room listening to the interview.  For a moment I felt kind of bad for him.  If she said she was going to forgive and move on, she should do just that and let it die.

But then the big mouth, spiteful part of me started screaming (in my head, of course), "Screw him!  It's a small price to pay for being a cheating bastard.  He should be glad she forgave him and only mentions it when it's brought up in interviews!  Sandwich board!  Sandwich board!!!!!"

But the facts, her words, are that she was going to leave it alone.  Excellent point.  (Your parents always said you would've been a great lawyer, Li.)

Later I received a different kind of message from someone who would like to remain anonymous.  I thought he had some really good insight and he presented cheating from the another standpoint.  It was different from the  "Amen, sister!" and "My asshole husband cheated!" responses.  Im going to include the entire message because I think it would be unfair to edit it, as the parts I would take out are character defining.  

"Wow, that was very deep!!  And  not at all what I expected when I clicked on the link!!  

Heres a different perspective for what its worth... I was on the cheater side of the fence.  And yes, to all of you that just said to themselves "I bet its a guy!!", you are correct.  

Although I am almost proud to say, almost... I never slept with anyone besides my wife while we were together.  Not that its any better but we only kissed.  Still wrong I know. I also wished it never happened for everyone involved.  I would do anything to take that back.  

However I was done with the relationship.  I tried to make it work for as long and as hard as I could.  I cant say I was driven to it, that would be wrong, a cop out, but I was pushed to my limits.  

So what I would say to anyone that finds themselves in this situation is what part are you playing in it??  Unless your partner is just a cheating bastard there must be a reason behind them looking for whatever it is they are looking for with someone else.

I was also the target of the public humiliation revenge.  This campaign also included a lot of ficton to say the least.  I can honestly say this campaign didn't benefit anyone, kids included.  Those who really knew me, knew how much I loved my wife and children and that I would do and did anything for them.  Those who didnt really know me can talk all they want.  A friend recently told me "What people have to say about you is none of your business". You have to appreciate the wisdom.

As I said, I would do anything to take back having cheated, but not the end of the marriage.  As it turns out it was the best decision I ever made.  I had a great relationship with the "other" woman.  She taught me how to be myself again' how to love and how it felt to be loved, how to feel appreciated, how to feel like you matter.  I couldnt be happier that I made the decision to get out of a bad relationship and try again.  I didnt make that decision based on a new relationship.  However she gave me the self confidence to believe I did deserve better.  For that I will always be eternally grateful."

There are a few things that I got out of this:

1- So many of us are afraid to end a relationship when we are miserable, especially when children are involved.  I can understand that.  Justin and I have many times said, "Can you imagine not being able to spend time with Allie whenever you want?  Or to see her drive away for a few days to be with someone else?"  It's heartwrenching.  So, I get it.  

However, as a child of divorce, I can tell you that you arent doing your kids any favors by staying in the marriage.  Youre setting the example of what they think a normal marriage is and it's not good.  And if you add cheating, you screw yourself the most (pun totally intended!)  You will be known as a cheater, regardless of how shitty the other person was.  Guaranteed.

2- He's right. If your spouse is looking elsewhere, they arent happy.  Dump your ego at the door and check yourself.  What you think is perfectly normal behavior may be making them miserable. Why dont you try asking "What am I doing that's making you such an unhappy sonofabeyotch?"   No one is ever innocent in divorce because no one is perfect.  

3- I completely agree that public humiliation should not be based on lies.  To refer to my annoying sandwich board once again, "My husband is a cheating whore and home wrecker" is a statement based on facts.  "My husband is a cheating whore who never loved me and abused our children" could be based on perspective....unless he told you he never loved you and then smacked your kids on the way out.  Then, fact.  

But as he said above, it doesn't help anyone, especially the kids.  I dated someone once whose wife repeatedly told his kids that their father didn't really care about them and that's why he didnt see them every Wednesday.  She failed to mention that he now worked overtime to pay child support and he did ask if he could stop by on his way home from work to see them, but she had said no....because she was a bitch.

So, in response, I have decided to ammend my Sandwich Board, Big Ass Bell Plan.  I can't mail his car back to him part by part because we traded it it.  And he has REALLY light eyebrows, so that's not accomplishing much by shaving them off.  I will abandon the plan altogether and have faith that I will never need one.  After all, I was able to let go of my other plans (The When Aliens Invade Plan and The We've Been Invaded By Another Country Plan) so this will have to go as well.

Cheater, Cheater, Revenge Is Sweeter

Howard Stern was interviewing Wendy Williams this morning and they were talking about her new book.  One of the topics she discusses is infidelity.  Her husband cheated on her when she was pregnant twelve years ago and she stayed with him.

"When you fight do you bring it up?  That he cheated," Howard asked.

She answered him very matter-of-factly. "No.  If you stay, you leave it alone."  It was like a response and advice all in one.

I remember the last time that she was on his show and they discussed this situation then as well.  I really wasn't sure what I thought about it.  She had been pregnant and was not allowed to have sex.  She was on bed rest the entire time since she had previously suffered two miscarriages, both at five months.  On her part, there was a lot of forgiveness, empathy, and selflessness.  On his part, he was a pathetically horney douche bag.  Just my personal opinon on that one.

This got me thinking.  I personally have developed a "public humiliation" stance on repsonding to cheating.  Not everyone feels this way.  I respect people who are able to work though it, alone or as a couple, and come out on the other end feeling like everything is going to be fine, regardless of the end result.   Private dealings are also impressive.  Couples who have survived infidelity and never let anyone know about it are just astonishing to me.

Why?

Because if my husband cheated on me, you and the rest of the world would know about it.  I would be in front of my house, pacing back and forth while wearing a "(My husband's full name), your neighbor, is a cheating whore and family wrecker" sandwich board, clanging some big ass bell to make sure I got everyone's attention.  This would be happening during high traffic hours, by the way.  I'd be napping at noon to get my energy up for the travellers that start filtering in around 5pm.

I would want the world to know that I had been scorned.  If he couldnt feel the pain of my humiliation, he would certainly feel his own kind of humiliation.  I have no idea why I feel this way.  Maybe it's immaturity on my part.   Or it could be that I love him so much and would be devastated to the point of displaying ridiculous behavior at a much higher level than my normal insane behavior.

To address the immaturity part, this is a much more scaled down version of my original plan of  retaliation.  My previous version involved acts such as dismantling his beloved car and mailing it back to him piece by piece....title last, and shaving his eyebrows off while he slept.  So, I suppose I am growing up.

Revenge aside, I couldnt stop thinking about how people are able to forgive and continue on with a happy marriage.  I heard what Wendy said about leaving it in the past, but I'm quite sure that during any arguement, the first thing out of my mouth for the rest of our lives would be "You fucking cheated on me when I trusted you, you bastard!  I'm right and you're wrong.  FOREVER!!!"  How do people stifle that?  How do they get past it?  Even if I wanted do, I don't know if my brain would let me.

Then I thought about the additional factor in the situation.  A child.  Maybe she forgave him because she wanted to finally have that family more than she wanted to punish him.  Her dream was stronger than her ego.  Her desire to give her child a home with two parents allowed her to forgive him (but you can bet your bippy she doesn't forget about his moment of douchbagism).  Apparently, he never strayed again.

There is someone very close to me who was equally selfless.  Unfortunately, her husband was too stupid to see how lucky he was to have someone who was willing to pardon him for the sake of their family.  She wanted her children to have a full time father and he took advantage of her forgiving nature.

She realized he wasn't going to "smarten up" when he decided to move out while she took her daughter college hunting in another state (so brave of him, right?)  Years later, he finally got a clue after he found himself on the other side of the cheating field.  He spent his last years mourning the life he could have had if he had appreciated his first wife and stopped screwing around.  Too little, too late.

I just don't know if I'm strong enough to be like either of those women.  I also don't think I have enough verbal restraint to make it happen.  After thinking about both examples, I realize that maybe I would need to be a bit more reserved and introspective for Allie's sake if I was in their positions.  I have no idea what that would entail.  I need to put a lot of thought into this.

Just maybe the sandwich board show in the neighborhood might not be what's best for Allie.  Can you imagine...."Aren't you the little girl whose mom had a revenge parade down the road before she divorced your dad?"

Oy.  I'd be paying for that during her teenage years for sure.  "Because of you, they made ME stand in traffic holding the sign to advertise our fund raiser!  Some lady stopped to hand me a bell!  I hate you!" Door slam.  Music blaring.  

While I'm revamping this plan that I PRAY I never have to put into action, I would like to leave you with some people who share my current thought process.  I present to you a collection of vengeful acts titled The Most Satisfying Examples of People Who Got Revenge on a Cheating Ex on a site fittingly called HappyPlace.com.

Enjoy!  (And be glad none of those people are you!)

Actual For Sale sign shown in photo on the Happy Place link above