Selfish Selfies

'The term "selfie" is new to me because....well, I'm old.  For those of you who are not in the know, a selfie is a photo of yourself taken by yourself.

There are two kinds of selfies.  There's the Spontaneous Selfie where the person has their arm extended as far as they can, trying to look very casual, while attempting to balance their phone so they can get a clear photo.  The photo is supposed to seem as if someone else had taken it because the person looked so fabulous at that exact moment that it deserved a Wilhelmina head and/or body shot for all to gaze upon in jealousy and awe.....even if it's obvious that they took it on their own.

Then there is the Blatant Selfie where people stand in front of the mirror and you can see them holding their phone to take a photo of themselves, not even pretending that someone else took the photo.  They are coming right out there saying, "look at me".  No bullshit there.

Selfies have become so popular that everyone knows when it's a Spontaneous Selfie or if someone else actually took the photo of them.....and most people don't really care if you know or not.  

There are also two sub-levels of selfies.   (Yes, I'm still going on about this....I've been educated and want to share.)

First, we have the Solo Selfie where the individual clearly doesn't care what's in the background because the photo is all about "Look at MEEEEE.  Just me.  I'm sooooo interesting.  And (lovely/handsome/charming/trendy) too."  Their surroundings are irrelevant.  However, if you visit Happy Place dot com, you can see how things can go terribly wrong if you forget to scan your environment real quick before clickin'...... zoinks, Scooby!

We also have the Purposeful Selfie.  This is either the person doing something interesting, visiting  some place special, or being a part of a group of people who are doing.... whatever.  There is a reason why they are taking the photo and it goes beyond just their appearance. These photos say "Here I am driving" or "We all are hanging out tonight without you" or "I'm at the beach and the view is awesome".  

IMHO,  the only one that doesn't make the word "Narcissist" pop into every one's mind is the Purposeful Selfie.  That one is about bragging rights or just plain old excitement.  And it's interesting.  I give a pass to Purposeful Selfies and I actually like them.  If it's a group, you know those people had a blast taking a gazillion photos to try and get a shot where no one looks like an ass.  I've taken a few Purposeful Selfies to memorialize events, especially with family members.

A recent family selfie after a day at the zoo....all tuckered out

Another family selfie, one of my favorites.... after an awesome day at the local beach

(BTW, IMHO means In My Humble Opinion if you didn't know.  And BTW means By The Way.  And yes, I know that I have a lot of nerve claiming my opinion is humble when I write things and put them on the internet because I think someone somewhere finds it interesting.  My mommy does, as well as strangers in other countries, so therefore, I keep writing)

Wondering what my point is here?

The past few weeks I've been seeing a lot of Solo Selfies pop up and I wonder 'what did the parents of those people do right to make their kids so self confident?  What did they say to make their children feel like people want to see photos where they are the main subject?'  I want to know.

I would like my daughter to grow up and feel like she's interesting and beautiful.   It's one thing to be told that, it's another to believe it.  I had a mother who did nothing but tell me how wonderful I was (in HER humble opinion) and yet, I didn't feel like I was.  I was only able to see the parts of me that needed improvement, despite the fact that she never once ever mentioned them or criticized me.  

So, what was the little secret that parents (especially those of the Millennium Generation) knew that made their children secure and self-assured?  You never see those shy kids from high school post selfies.  They are living outside of their own little worlds and post photos of their kids/pets (if they have them) or family vacations or amazing landscapes.  Sometimes I get annoyed and think, 'What the hell....it would be nice to see YOU for a change!'

Maybe that's their deal.  The ole supply and demand theory.  Hmmmmm......verrrrry impressive, shy peeps.

Anyway, I have plenty of years before Allie figures out how to use a camera to take photos of herself.  She got a kids camera for Christmas from her aunt and uncle, and we have a lot of amazing shots of the carpet, furniture corners, and the dog's ass.  Selfies do not appear to be in her near future.

I have time to work on this self-esteem/confidence/assurance thing with her.  I hope Allie thinks she's photo worthy at every moment.  If she takes a million selfies and posts them on whatever Instagram or Facebook become then, I will keep my fat trap shut and instead tell her  how awesome she looks.  

Unless she does that popular "duck lips" thing.  That's just stupid.  Who told kids that duck lips equal sexy face?  

Head-butting By Cows Begets Enlightenment

Take a moment, sit back and think where you were eight years ago.  The summer of 2005.  Where did you live?  Who did you live with?  Did you work?  What car were you driving?  

George Dubya Bush was still president, Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, Pope John Paul II died, gas was $3.07 a gallon, London was bombed by terrorists, Michael Jackson was found not guilty on fourteen charges of various child abuses, and I was head butted by a cow.

A bull, to be specific.

On Father's Day weekend, I revisited the scene of the crime.  The Bergen County Zoo in Van Saun Park.  What a liberating day that was.  I confronted my fear of bulls and left a new woman.

Eight years ago I was dating someone else and we had been on a zoo kick of sorts.  I had a season pass to The New York City Zoos, but we had a soccer game that afternoon so we decided to hit a local zoo.  The Bergen County Zoo is no Bronx Zoo, but it's pretty, clean and has some nice animals on display that you might not find in your back yard.

Within five minutes of entering, we approached the farm animal display.  There was a bull hanging out by the fence and he was, like, right there.  I grew up in a town with cow farms, so a bull was more familiar than it was riveting.  But I had never really touched a bull.  We drive by our cows.  Rarely do you think to pull over and pet one.

By the way, if you pass a cow pasture, chances are that if you pull over and walk up to the fence the cows will mosey on over and say moo.  Cows are really friendly that way, and you see steak in a whole other way after chillin' with the bovines up close.

Back to the zoo.  That day I had on a Tiffany bracelet.  You know, the silver chain-link ones that have a heart charm attached.  I walked over to the bull and reached out and put my hand on his back.  The bugger didn't move!  To me this was an invitation to pet him.  And so I did.

What I did not do was to factor in that my bracelet charm was going to be lightly grazing the bull's back.  I was so excited that this bull was leaning against the fence so I could pet him that my accessory situation wasn't even a thought.

BAM!

Mr. Bull thought my charm was a fly and when he swung his head around to shoo it away, one of his big fat horns whacked me right in the forehead.

The things I remember about that moment were being shocked and unsure of what happened, feeling like my brain had slammed against my cranium, dizziness that wouldn't stop, followed by hugantically gianormous pain on my forehead.  I stumbled around a little like a drunk person trying to right myself.  Through blurry eyes I was looking for the person I was with.  I felt like someone had spun me around 20 times and then set me free so it took a few moments to locate him.

People saw this.  I know because they were still gaping at me when I finally collected myself and got my synapses firing again.  And the person I was with stared at me, stunned.  And I think he was wayyyyy embarrassed, but I'm sure he would never admit it.  How do you mock someone when  a tennis ball appears to be burrowing out of their brain through their forehead?  I had a serious lump.

What I also had was a kick ass story to tell for the rest of my life.  How many people can say they were head-butted by a 2500lb animal?  That's over a ton of breathing beef, people.  

Back to 2013.  Justin has heard the Vicki vs. The Bull story a few times so I think he was interested in seeing the scene of the crime.  Imagine my excitement when I found the following sign on the bull display:

I didn't see the bull at first.  I thought may be he was dead by now.  But then I located him and CLEARLY he had spotted me first because check out the distance he kept:

I have provided an arrow pointing to said bull just in case you feel he actually achieved the "blending into the background" feat, as he was attempting to do.  That fella in the far left is the one that assaulted me as I was issuing him some kind attention 8 years ago.

And I see that they now have multiple warning signs near the cows.  Apparently, I'm not the only idiot out there who didn't consider the double fencing enough of a warning to step back.

After taking the silly photos, I took a moment to stop and look around.  Being there in that exact spot  got me thinking about how different my life is compared to 8 years ago.

I lived alone in a studio apartment in New Jersey, slaved for corporate America five days a week, dated someone with four kids, and was very unsure about my future.  Now I live in New York, running my own little business, married with one child of my own, and I'm only a little bit unsure about  my future now.

It was surreal to go back with my little girl to show her the animals.  I never would've thought I would be doing this in 2013.  I was in a totally different world  for me back then.

This visit really put a spotlight on exactly how my life has changed.  The most poignant difference was that now I had a daughter.  Children change your life in every way, from what you do to how you perceive it.   Something you've done twenty times alone is a whole new experience when your child becomes involved.  The zoo was suddenly brand new to me.

I know love on an entirely differently level than I could have imagined in 2005.  Now I see things through her eyes.  She has taught me that all of the things that I took for granted years ago are now bright, shiny and exciting again. Even going to the zoo, which I always loved doing, is full of amazements because of her. I am very pleased with how it all turned out.

The highlight of the experience with Allie and the cows was when she looked at me and declared, "Mommy, I want to pet the cow!"  It was as if everything came full circle.  Hopefully, the circle stops here and she wont be back years from now to go head to head with the cows.

And for the record.... no, we did not let her pet the cow.

Therapy and MANterpretation

It is here that I shall introduce my therapist to provide you with an amusing anecdote in reference to the previous topic (identifying with men).  My therapist, Dr. Steve / Steve, is amazing.  He is the best EVER.

No, no.  I cannot give you his contact information.  He's way too busy helping me keep my shit in check to take on additional clients.  Plus he's super fabulous,  and everyone knows that when you have something good that the public has access to, you should hoard it and make sure you don't lose easy access.

I started going to him years ago and I currently have him under contract to get me through menopause before he can officially retire.  (This contract is really me just threatening to behave like Bill Murray in What About Bob.  I'll stalk his ass if he tries to escape). One of my main purposes for seeing him is that I frequently need a male interpreter.

Yes, you read that right.  A male interpreter.  And who better to interpret men but another one of 'em!

Clearly, Justin speaks English (and only American English), but what men say is not always to be taken literally.  Actually, this goes for women too, but I'm okay understanding and deciphering what my fellow beyotches are saying.  Men, not so much.

At least one time per session, I throw my hands up, totally exasperated, and go, "Oh my gawd, Steve.  What the fuck does THAT mean?  I need the manterpretation!"  It's usually after I tell a story about something that is going on with me and Justin that I'm not sure what to do with.  I've got a ton of stories, but I'll share the most recent one with you.

Before I divulge this VERY valuable information, I need to clarify that I use this source of man knowledge for good, not evil.  I want to understand what Justin is telling me.  Sometimes his actions speak volumes and I can't get past the first line cuz I'm a girl.  I'm not looking to find out what he's all about and then use it against him.  This isn't a map for war.  It's like our own little marital NATO.

So, the last time I went to see Dr. Steve I had a more lighthearted issue to present before I left.

"I understand that Justin spends all day with a two year old and he really doesn't have a lot going on because of his injury, but when something happens I have to get the exxxxxxxtra lonnnnnnnng drawwwwwwwn ouuuuuut version."

"What do you mean?"  I think he knew where I was going with this but needed to be sure.

"If something happens during the day, and he needs to tell me about it, I get the dragged out version.  I can't get the quickie version.  Noooooo.  I get this version: 

....and then I told her exactly what was wrong with the phone and she said that I needed technical support so she put me on hold.  She left me on hold for a really long time and I was about to hang up but then she picked up again and told me she was going to transfer me to tech support.  Of course she disconnected me, so I had to call back and now I'm like really pissed.  So, I have to go thru the whole rigmarole again and they go to put me on hold and I told them that if they disconnect me that I'm going to cancel my contract so I want someone to wait on the line with me.  But does she do that?  No.  She puts me on hold and sends me to technical support and then THEY put me on hold and I'm waiting so long that I was able to make Allie peanut butter and jelly on TOAST.  That's how long I was waiting.  The next person picks up and do you think they told him why they were transferring me to him?  No.  So, I had to explain it all again....."

OH MY GOD, STEVE!  I want to lose my mind!  It's reached the point where I have to interrupt him and ask him to give me the abridged version before any more of my brain cells die of boredom.  How in the hell do I deal with this without hurting his feelings?"

He stared at me in awe and said, "I think that in all of my years of doing this I have never had a woman come to me with this problem."

Now, most women might be offended by that, but let's be honest here.  Women, as a group, are notorious for rambling on about things that men have absolutely no interest in.  I admit that I have been guilty of this crime.  And usually I get offended when told to get to the point.

If I'm feeling bitchy enough, I might even say, "Forget it.  I wouldn't want to bore you!"  We all know that statement is used in hopes that the other person will realize the error of their ways and beg us to tell them the rest of the story that they just complained about having to hear.  It's a form of Female Retaliation, and I'm not proud to say it, but I have used this weapon....a lot.

Dr. Steve put his mug of tea down, resituated himself in his chair and prepared to do something that most men might not care enough about marital success to risk sharing.  "You can't make him feel bad about telling you about his day.  You need to find a way to get through it."

The last thing that I needed to do to a man who was desperate for some kind of excitement was to belittle whatever little excitement he came across.  And I needed to keep him focused on problem solving and normal life events.  For awhile he was desperately seeking excitement and drove around with dead people that he found in a dumpster for about a week until he found a respectful way to dispose of them.

(Yes, I said dead people.  They were in boxes.  Cremated.   And he found them tossed in a dumpster at his storage facility.  The story is so priceless that I need to reserve it for another time.  Remind me and I'll get to it.  He has a penchant for silliness when it comes to traveling with the deceased.)

It was at this point that Steve shared something with me that I will be sure to share with Allie when she gets much older, because it's a precious glimpse into man thinking.  "You need to listen and if you start feeling anxious because the story is getting a bit too long, you need to drift.  But don't make it obvious that you're drifting.  Start thinking about other things, like what you need to do later, and every once in awhile, come back and repeat what you just heard.  It's called mirroring. 'So, they put you on hold and disconnected you?  You must've been pissed!"  If you need to, just drift again for a little bit and come back."

Ingenious!!!  And, as Steve explained to me, it's far kinder than making Justin feel like the most important part of his day is something that I find to be incredibly mundane.  It's an option to offending him.

This is also something that men have been doing to women for eons and it's now been confirmed by one of them.  Not only confirmed, but also detailed.  Part of me felt like I had been given a glimpse into one of the Cave Churches of Manliness.  But the other part of me feels like I deserve it.  I'm playing in a small part of their playground (reserved for women, of course), so I should be able to at least see their toys right?  Right??!!

Identifying With Dads

Let me begin by wishing all of you wonderful Dads out there a very happy belated Father's Day.  I hope you all enjoyed the day in whatever way you wanted to.  It was your day, so you should get to pick the way.  I saw a lot of dads at the Bergen County Zoo this weekend, doing the dad thing.  However, if peace and quiet was the way to go, I hope you got it!

Excitement at the zoo.....whatever could they be looking at????

I've been thinking about our (Justin's and mine) parenting roles since Mother's Day and how the ways  we chose to celebrate Mother's and Father's Day was in line with that.  On Mother's Day I just wanted to be with Allie.  All day, all about her.  On Father's Day Justin wanted to take a nap.  He took two.  He wanted to spend time with Allie, but since he spends all day with her every day, a nap was a luxury. 

When I had to pick a theme for this blog earlier this year, I thought 'what is a strong factor in MY momness?'  What came to me was that I have a very different role than I had expected I would as a mother.  I always said that I was going to wait to have kids until I could raise them myself for the most part.  If I was going to have to work, my job was going to interfere as little as possible.

I hear the gods of fate snickering already.  Buncha wiseasses!

Needless to say, I didn't get exactly what I had planned.  Most of us don't, so I'm working on accepting that.  My little business has been a brat since Allie was born.  It was like a first-born child, determined to get my attention in any way it could, trying to divert my focus from Aliie.  I am still working on it, but I'm becoming a better business parent.  It gets proper attention and when it acts out, I take disciplinary action.  

Not long ago, the parallels between my life and that of the traditional dad started to reveal themselves to me.  In the morning, I wake up and immediately begin getting ready for work.  Justin is left to change Allie, find her breakfast, and get her started on her day.  In the afternoon, I'm calling in to report when I think I'll be done with work and Justin is filling me in on what he and Allie have been doing all day.  At night, I make getting her ready for bed my job so I can have that time alone with her.  Justin is sitting in another room decompressing after playing with a 2 year old all day.

Neither of us thought that things would work out this way, but considering that we have no choice in the matter, we've accepted the roles and hope that one day they will reverse.  In the meantime I try to focus on all of the benefits of Allie spending so much time with her father.  I know first hand how the father daughter relationship determines so much of how a girl will handle the rest of her relationships in life....along with the type of man she will be drawn to.

Side note....if there are any men reading this who have little girls, I don't want to put pressure on you with that last little ditty.  Try to view it as both a compliment and a future reflection of your Dad Skills.  It is no joke that you will play a  huge part in who your daughter chooses as a mate.  It's SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN.  People have devoted their lives to proving this.  

So, on behalf of daughters (and their potential mates later) I implore you to keep this in mind when you make decisions about how you live your family life.  You are what will be familiar.  Do you want your daughter dating someone like you?  Are your ethics and morals good enough for your little princess?  Do you want someone treating your daughter like you treat her mother?  I am rooting for you....let it be a YES!  And those things you don't want your daughter subjected to are maybe something you can work on.  If you change, her choice of mate will change too!  

Back to my original point.....

There are many days when I walk through the door and think, 'So this is what a lot of working dads with SAHM wives feel like.'   I feel like I'm walking into a show already in progress.  Life has been going on here with the rest of my family and I'm just joining in.  Actually, it seems like I have two separate movies going on and I jump from one to the other.  Neither one totally "defines" me and they are extremely different.

I have a newfound respect for Dads.  I get it.  Well, I don't totally understand because, let's face it, I'm a girl so I was raised on the flip side of the traditional parent roles.  Plus I'm overly sensitive sometimes, wear a bra and girly underwear, and get a little bitchy every 28 days.  Those things also tend to set us apart.

I think we all should try things out on the other side.  I'm not going to preach about how tough it is to be a mother.  After all this post is about dads.  But I know that if fate hadn't forced me to be a mom who works full time while my husband is a full time parent, I wouldn't know what it was like to be on this end of things.

I feel honored to have this Traditional Dad Insight.  Hats off to all of the men who do it and make it look so appealing that women have been trying to do what you do for half a century.  It's not as easy as I always thought it would be.

Personally, I'd prefer to be June Cleaver staying at home with Wally and the Beav.  I'll let Ward be the dad, thank you very much.

Just in case you were wondering, this is what was exciting at the zoo.....there were 30 prairie dogs running around and I think these three were in charge.  That one on the left seems to give off a body guard vibe.  He looked like he was going to lunge at me and eat my nose off at any moment.  I'm sure he likes to rough up the paparazzi.

Hello. My name is Vicki and I'm a Tractopotomus too!

In case you are wondering what a "tractopotomus" was, it's not a real word.  I made it up.  Here is where it came from:

A few months ago Rex Reed wrote a movie review for the New York Times in which he referred to Melissa McCarthy as a "hippo", "tractor-sized" and "obese". In case you aren't sure who she is, she stars on the tv show Mike and Molly, she was in the movie Identity Theif earlier this year, and this month she will be in The Heat with Sandra Bullock.  If the name still doesn't ring a bell, here's a little photo for you

Melissa has daughters, so the results of how she responded to this whole experience with Mr. Imafuckingmoron Reed was going to be immense! (no pun intended...seriously)  It could affect her reputation, her career and, most importantly, her daughters' self images.

Here was her response to USA Today yesterday:

She said her initial reaction was that of shock at the notion that a publication would even run a review with such mean-spirited remarks. But she added that she has bigger, more meaningful things in her life to focus on.

"I just thought, that's someone who's in a really bad spot, and I am in such a happy spot. I laugh my head off every day with my husband and my kids who are mooning me and singing me songs."

She concedes that the criticism "may have crushed me," at a younger age. Plus, as the mother of two daughters, she sees articles like that as damaging to young women. The article adds "to all those younger girls, that are not in a place in their life where they can say, 'That doesn't reflect on me.' That makes it more true. ... It means you don't actually look good enough."

I love that she waited four months to respond to that idiot.  She wasn't giving him the power of an immediate reaction.  However, I would love to know how she handled the effects of the article at home.  You can be sure that someone, somewhere mentioned these slanderous comments to one of her girls.  If I heard someone say things like that about my mother I would run home and ask her why people would say such awful things.

I wonder if Rex Douchebag Reed thought about that.  Did he at any point think about the two girls who would hear this about their mother?  How about the potential damage he was doing to millions of girls and women who already suffer with body image problems? He must have! And he still said it.  That's just mean spirited and evil. 

Here's another photo I would like you to look at: 

NY Post

That's Ireland Baldwin, 17 year old daughter of Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin.  She's a model and, apparently, some people feel that she's too tall, fat and unattractive to be a model.  Her extremely mature response to this, via Twitter, was:

“I understand that I am not a size .008.  What I don’t fully understand, is what is the good in commenting on a photo of a 17 year old girl and calling her fat, ugly, etc? Is that helping you in some way? I’m confused,” she wrote.

Can you imagine the conversations she had with her mother after reading such negativity?  Can you imagine how much of Ireland's time was spent wondering if any of the statements were true?  

From the time I was 11, I worried about my weight.  Now, children as young as five years old are concerned with dieting.  FIVE!  At five I was concerned about my brother not messing with my Barbies, when I could finally have a kitten, and why no one would mention that red frosting tasted hellacious before letting me eat it? 

Thirty years later, I'm still stressing about my weight.  At forty I said that I wasn't going to waste another year of my life worrying about what other people thought of me.  I wanted to accept myself for how I looked, rather than compare myself to women on tv, in movies, in magazines, on billboards, etc.  Wanna know how that's working out for me so far?  So far I'm not skipping around singing "winner, winner chicken dinner, look at me so much thinner!"

I look at Allie, so sweet and innocent, and just shudder about the thought that in the near future someone will say to her that she's fat or ugly, and tears and heartache will follow.  I hope that she will believe me when I tell her that what they say isn't true.  I wonder if she will understand all of the reasons why people might say such hateful things, like jealousy or insecurity.  

But if she's anything like her mother, she will still doubt and wonder.  I can STILL vividly recall the sting from a high school boyfriend saying my legs were too fat for the shorts I was wearing.  And I haven't worn another pair of shorts like that since.  That's how powerful words can be.

People are mean, as proven by Rex Womenprobablyalwayshatedhim Reed and Ireland Baldwin's critics.  What they have to benefit by saying these things is beyond me.  Do they feel better about themselves in some way?  Do they think sharing their opinion is so valuable that the feelings of others should be sacrificed in the process?  

In regards to writers, I think it's an abuse of their status to make people feel poorly about themselves with their widespread words.  Twitter reaches a huge number of people as well, even if you are just a regular Joe.  You're abusing your Tweeting powers by being hurtful.  Use your powers for good, people, not evil!!!

The truth is.... that Melissa McCarthy is a bit overweight according to those who promote healthy standards.  But she's fabulous as a comedienne, actress, and human being.  I don't even see her body any more.  I see that she can make me laugh, which makes me feel better, so therefore I love her!

The truth is.... that Ireland Baldwin is not a size 0.  But I would've given anything to look like that at 17, 27, 37, and you can be sure I will still be wishing it at 47 and beyond.  She looks amazing.  I hope that she can find a way to continue to rise above the hurtful things that jealous people are saying.

The truth is.... that a few days ago, I was looking at Allie and her little belly was sticking out and I thought, "OMG, look at how cute that little belly is!  It's better to have that now instead of when she grows up."  Shame on me.  I was pissed that I even had the second half of that thought.

Hopefully, by the time she grows up, what's considered attractive will be something other than having next-to-zero body fat.  Dear Lord, may we please revert to the time of Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell???  Of course, considering that both of Allie's  grandmothers were very thin people, she'll probably be thin too, and bitchy people will be yelling at her to have a sandwich.  

Hmmmmm...so, let me change that to Dear Lord, may my daughter never suffer from a poor body image and know that she is forever beautiful.  From the gospel according to Vicki.  Amen.