The Workout Worked Out

Wow.  That was a long "24 hour"s.  🙄

Let me start where I left off.

I went to the workout.  I was soooooo nervous and totally freaked out and completely anxiety- ridden.  All I kept thinking about was how out of shape I was going to be compared to everyone else.  And, really, it did me no good.

Everyone starts somewhere.  Nobody is born looking like an Olympic athlete.  You never hear about babies bursting out of the womb and bench pressing the changing table.   "Drop and give me 50" said no pediatrician ever.

Except for maybe this baby's doctor

Anyway, my therapist, Steve, always says to "identify the fear" when I get like this.   And then determine "if it's a rational fear or not".

Just the word FEAR kind of straightened me out.  It's a freakin' workout class.....with friends.....taught by someone I trust more than most family members.  What is there to be AFRAID of?   

Nothing.  And as I pulled into the parking lot, I became blessedly fearless and totally psyched.  I was a tad nervous, but I think that's a rational reaction.

I was definitely a new kid on the block in the workout world, but it all felt very normal to not be able to lift a lot of weight, or do reverse lunges with my knee far from touching the floor.  I giggled with Lynn when we lost our balance using our resistance bands for curls.  And Rose and I shot each other desperate looks when Trish called out, "Okay....let's do it all again" after a grueling set of side planks and crunches.  

Again, everyone starts somewhere.  I looked at that class as being my baseline by which I would measure every workout to come.  Cuz I was gonna go back.  I knew it when I packed up my equipment.  I accomplished stuff and I felt completely awesome afterward!  

Don't we look happy post-workout?  I love them ever so.  Me and my girls......

Flash forward to yesterday and, while I still can't do some things well, I know that my knee was waaaaaay closer to the floor than it was two months ago while doing my reverse lunges.  And I have increased weight and amount of resistance to my workout.  My biceps jiggle a lot less when I shake my arms and I can do some killer squats.  

Here is the biggest shocker of them all.....

I'm having hand surgery in a few days and I'M GOING TO MISS GOING TO MY CLASS!  

I can't believe I just typed those words in reference to working out, and yet I mean them with every fiber of my being.  In June, if you told me that I would be longing for the exact thing that I was totally freaked out to even start, I would've told you that you were completely bonkers.   

But it's true.  Totally true story.

xoxo

Vicki

Linus Says CRACK!

Have you ever thought something was a great idea and been truly psyched about doing it, only to think about it as the time approached......and totally panicked?

OMG....what was I thinking?  I can't DO that?  I hear my couch calling.....I'm cancelling.

That was me this week.  That is me right now.  That will be me until 8:31am tomorrow.

But here's the thing.  I'm not cancelling.  

And you can bet your bippy that I reeeeeeeeally wanna cancel!

But I'm not.

'Cuz it's not what's good for me.

This, my friend, is all very new to me.  As a person who has suffered with a panic/anxiety disorder for 25 years, when I feel social anxiety, my ass cancels.  

I don't know WHY I get social anxiety.  I like a whole lot of people.  I love my group of friends.  I have whittled it down to a small select group of people who make me feel loved and safe.  I have a tribe.  Yup.  These are people who I would be more than happy to live out the rest of my life with on a large piece of property and I know that I will always feel, again, safe and loved by them.

Let me get to the point and explain my cancel/non-cancel situation.

As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I've been working with Trish for almost a year now to learn how to eat and exercise and take care of myself like a normal person.  I'm getting pretty good at this!  I have an enormous pile of super bad habits that are 30+ years old to undo, so I knew this was not going to be a permanent change that happens in 2 months.  

I told Trish recently, "A year ago, I had no idea how to eat things that weren't full of carbs.  Like, adding a salad was me being healthy.  And we maybe cooked 2xs a week.  And if you had told me a year ago that I would be doing 2 workouts a week, I would've been like "ummmmm....I doubt it!"  

But here I am, using weights 2xs a week and cooking every day and doing some sort of enjoyable cardio 3xs a week.  It's just shocking.

Anyway, earlier this week, she came to me and said, "I'm offering a workout on Saturday morning at the park to people I've trained or people who might be interested.  Come over! I'll text you the information."

And you know what I said?  I said, "Definitely!  That sounds great!  Count me in!  I'll invite Rose & Lynn and we will all come together."

I was psyched! This was a great idea.  And I wanted to go.  I had just worked out the night before and it had felt awesome when I finished, so why wouldn't I go???

Then I walked into my house.

Shit.

And then the text came in.  All of the details in a lovely text with excitement and happy emojis and completely reflective of how I felt when I was getting the invitation.  

I couldn't do this!  I couldn't go workout with a bunch of people I didn't know who were probably in great shape and knew how to do all of the exercises in the whole wide world with absolute perfection and look stunning while doing them!  Nay nay! I ain't goin'.

I swear, if the clouds had opened and a ray of light from God had shined down upon me at that moment, I wouldn't have been surprised.  Because it was the little miracle I needed to push through this moment.

Out of nowhere, I could hear my therapist, Steve, say to me, "So many people get social anxiety.  Anxiety is fear related.  You just need to ask yourself what you're afraid of and then determine if it's a rational fear.  It usually isn't."

What was I afraid of?  I could make a huge list, but the top fears were as follows:

1. Looking like an out of shape klutz and being totally spastic while exercising.
2. Not being able to keep up with everyone else.
3. Being judged.

Suddenly the answer was upon me!  

I needed a security blanket.  Slap me on the arse and call me Linus!  THIS TIME I was going to conquer all of the  ridiculous anxiety crap like a badass Linus would've done!

Remember my tribe that I mentioned?  I needed to feel safe and loved and I was going to pluck two of my girls up out of the gang and call 'em to town.  I had already given myself the answer when I told Trish I was coming.  The girls already know I'm a big klutzy doofus.  And if I spaz out or cant keep up or feel judged, I just have to look over and they will be ready to laugh with me, armed with some sort of hilarious feedback that makes me feel like none of that even matters.  

Every time that anxious demon pops up in my head and I think, "Just cancel.  You can work out at home.  No one will even notice that you aren't there," I remember that I committed to this with my friends and they will be there to support me just like I will be there to support them.  Linus says CRACK!

Wish me luck.  It's tomorrow.  I'll let you know how it goes.  

Because I AM going to be there.

xoxo,

Vicki

Fresh Start, an Apology and Some Advice

WOW!  It's been over a year since I last wrote.  My, how things have changed in the world!

I saw an excellent post on Facebook recently about 2020 bringing about the 1918 Pandemic, 1929 Depression and 1968 Race Riots back all at once.  These three things at once have definitely tested our resourcefulness and fortitude during the the past few months.  Even more so, we have certainly discovered where many of our fellow Americans sit in regards to discrimination and loyalty, through their words and/or actions.  We've been tested physically, mentally, financially and emotionally.

Someone needs to fix 2020....... TOUT DE SUITE!   We can start here....

I've been itching to get back to blogging for the past few months, but the things that matter the most  to me right now are some hot topics that are better left to "bigger actions and stronger forums".  Not some blog that will only invite people to take sides and argue points.  The "keyboard warriors" are gonna have to look elsewhere.  Instead, I implore you to use your energy to take action.  Didn't your mama tell you.....

Read that one again.  It's a gooder.

And while you're at it, stop hoarding paper goods!  I swear one of the toilet paper companies started the need to hoard TP, because I can't understand what the logic was behind this worldwide need to stockpile the stuff.

Cough medicine, I get.   But virus wasn't causing the runs....the trots....the flyarrhea....the loose juice.....the flying jimmies....the stinkle tinkle....the joggins.....or my own personal favorite, the bubblins.

(note: I just found a page full of slang words for diarrhea, and I couldn't stop myself.  It was word vomit.  😉. Sorry, Mom)

Anyway...... 

Being a rather light and airy blog, I'm taking it back to its roots.  This blog began as a "mommy blog",  became a "diet blog" and ended up being something more along the lines of a "total-health quest blog".  We are going to continue with that, okay?

Before I proceed, I have an apology to make to some previous readers, if they are still here.

When I began blogging about Lydia Wente's program, I neglected to mention that it's not a low-cost  program.  It's an investment.  And I totally understand that many people cannot afford to make larger investments, especially now.  

Truth be told, I couldn't either.  I had to get financial support to do the program.  

The deciding factor for me what that I could not live one more moment with the eating disorder.  The need for help was a much larger component in choice to enroll.   I was fortunate enough to be able to get the money to pay for her help.  And I am forever grateful to Lydia Wente for changing and saving my life.  I will always support what she does and I will always recommend her program to people.

I do want to apologize to anyone who felt that my posts misled them in any way due to the financial cost.  Everything I posted was factual and sincere.  However, I didn't consider that some people may have felt as though omitting the price of the program led to them pursuing an option that they never would have pursued had they been given that information.  I will say with 100% certainty that I never thought of the price because to me, personally, it was invaluable.  I just wanted to share my success.

I did the program over 2 years ago, so I have no idea what the cost is now.  If you would like to get more information on this, I would recommend asking Lydia personally.   She offers a number of ways to receive financial assistance if you are interested.

What I would like to do is make another recommendation for more affordable options if Lydia's program isn't an option for you.  Since completing her program, I've worked with two other people who have taken "the new me" and taught me how to build on that foundation.  They are STILL teaching me, actually!  And they are two of my favorite people.

The first person I went to was Summer Innanen.  OMG, I love her!  I read her book and decided that she was the girl for me.  She is relatable, sensitive, funny, insightful, and she says it like it is.  There are so many options at so many financial levels for women who are aiming for help with disordered eating AND Body Positive Living (a/k/a loving yourself right now!).  Plus, she is accessible.  You're not a number or a payment.  

Through conversations, Summer helped me find that I deserve more that I thought I did, why I felt I didn't deserve it and how to give it to myself.  I'm going to include the link to her website and her book below.  Check her out!  

The link to Summer's website summerinnanen.com

The link to Summer's book - Free For Kindle Unlimited Members!!

After Summer, I realized that I had no idea how to eat like a normal person.  I had no idea how to eat and exercise.  I wasn't a gym person.  I ate cereal, loaded ham sandwiches and pizza. Diet food was gone from my life, so what in the hell was I supposed to eat????  I had injuries that needed to be considered when choosing how to exercise, and the only plans I saw were either for already fit people or people who wanted to do a boot camp.

Ummmmm.....nope.

I searched the internet thoroughly and I needed help.  I felt like there was no one for me.  I needed someone who really cared, could teach me how to eat like a normal person and could also teach me how to exercise and not hurt myself.  

The second person I went to was Trish English, the owner of O.N.E Optimal Nutrition Exercise.   All of that stuff I mentioned above?  She does that.   And if you DO like the gym and know how to eat, she will STILL teach you stuff you didn't know to make your life even better.  I say LIFE because she doesn't just focus on your body.  She focuses on the ENTIRE thing.  Mind, body, soul.  As a yoga teacher, kick box instructor and personal trainer who spent a verrrrrrrrry long time studying the science of how  nutrition affects your body, she's got it all.  

Since starting with Trish, I've learned how to eat like a normal, healthy person, I've learned that working out can be fun and easy, and I've learned to take care of myself as a human being.  And, again, she is an accessible person!  She responds to emails personally and thoughtfully, she replies to her Facebook  page quickly and she'll even talk to you on the phone or in person.  She will commit to you as much as you commit to her.  I'll post links to her website, Facebook and Instagram pages below.

O.N.E. Facebook Page

O.N.E. Instagram Page

O.N.E Program Webpage

I'm still with her.  I’m still learning.  She's my inspiration for health, fitness, parenting and general "good-personedness".

And yes, she's affordable.  

Okay!  So, with all of that being said, if you have any questions, please reach out.  And I'll be back.  For my birthday this year, I decided I want to work on Self Care more than ever.  Hope you'll join me

xoxo,

Vicki

p.s. Just to reiterate.......

Accept and Deny

Happy New Year!!!

Can you believe that 2019 is right around the corner?  Time to start writing the year wrong (once again) for another 2 months!  Whoo hooo!

My wish for you

2018 has been a truly metamorphic year for me and I'm really excited to see what the next phase is.  I've spent the past year digging deep and breaking down bad thought processes, so 2019 is going to be all about building my crazy self back up with some new "internal architecture". (I totally made that up....it sounds fancy, no?)

It's not packaged pretty, but here is my final video of this year and I felt like the message itself was more important than making sure I stopped scratching my nose so much or taking a break to fix my hair.  It all flowed rather nicely in my brain, but it didn't come out quite as smoothly.  But, alas, it is ME.  And look at that ENTICING thumbnail!  (For the love of Peter Paul and Mary....ARGH!!!)

Please click HERE if the video isn't visible

If you are interested in reading more about the Minnesota Starvation Experiment, which I mention in the above video, please click on one of the links below:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Starvation_Experiment   (Wikipedia)

https://followtheintuition.com/minnesota-starvation-experiment-eating-disorders/ (Parallels between the MSE and disordered eating)

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/10/hunger.aspx (The Psychology of Hunger article from the APA)

I wish you all a very happy new year and thank you for sticking with me during this roller coaster ride of 2018!

And remember.....

Wishing you many blessings in the New Year,
Vicki
xoxoxo

Sweet Freedom - Part Two - ReeeeeeeMixxxxxx

Here's a little quiz for you all:

1- What would it be like to never diet again?  (oh, stop the nonsense!)

2 - Can you imagine not caring how many calories you ate or how many steps you walked or what an actual serving size of everything is?   (of course not....I need numbers!  I need stats!  I'm changing my body, dammit!)

3 - Where would you spend the money you save if you stopped buying prepared food, diet supplements, weight loss programs, exercise or diet apps?  (hmmmmm.....I'm not even sure how much I spend....)

Oh, here's a gooder.....

4 - How would it feel to look in the mirror and be pleased with what you saw after doing everything above?

Wait.... WHAT?  Who would ever believe such malarky is even possible????!

Well, there's ME, for starters.  And thousands of other women are getting on the band wagon, too.  

I almost forgot to ask.....

Do you consider yourself a slave to the diet culture?  Here's the second part to the quiz to help you figure that out:

5 - If you are doing a weight loss program today and "are bad and eat off program", do you tell yourself that you might as well finish out the day eating whatever you want, and you can "start fresh tomorrow"?  (The day is ruined already, so why not stuff my face with forbidden food as I wallow in it.)

6 - Do you think if you aren't watching every calorie you eat, every carb you ingest and how many steps you walk each day, that you'll surely gain tons of weight?  (Losing control is exactly how I got myself into this situation!  I won't make that mistake again!)

7 - Does the sound of "loving how my body looks right now" equate to the thought, 'If I accept how I look now, I'll never get healthy/thinner/better?" (I'll be happy with my body when I'm thinner.  Until then, self love is off the table!)

8 - Are YOU the person you blame when you lose weight and then stop dieting and gain it all back?  (Well, who ELSE would I blame??)

So, how many times did the words in italics make you say, "That's exactly right"?

They are all normal reactions among those involved in the diet culture in some way.  It's okay!  Every year, 45 million other humans on this planet spend $33 billion on the quest for weight loss too!  I was one of them for over two decades. 

And the thought of even entertaining the answers to the first four questions would have felt like a ridiculous waste of time during that part of my life.  I would have considered those concepts to be total nonsense......pish posh!!  Those are pipe dreams, right?  (or ARE they?? 🤔)

The second set of questions actually gives me anxiety..... both now and during the previous twenty years.  In my head I hear 'Self Control!  Failure!  Self Control!  Failure!'  as answers to all of them.  I can't believe I lived so long with such a negative attitude.

True story!

This year, 2018, has been a year of introspection; and not necessarily because I planned it that way!  I never could have imagined that breaking my wrist in February would force me down this path of self discovery and transformation.  There was a whole part of my "Vicness" that was very silent and trying to stay unnoticed because it didn't want to change.

HOW DOES SOMEONE HAVE AN EATING DISORDER FOR 20 YEARS AND NOT KNOW IT???   For me, this happened because it was a side effect of getting totally sucked into the lifestyle of dieting!!!  I still weigh the same and along the way, I acquired Binge Eating Disorder.  

Good times.

This May, I completed Lydia Wente's Beat The Binge.  Step one for me was to identify and treat my eating disorder.  I knew in my gut that the program would help me find answers for wellness and recovery, but I never imagined that the program would be the kick-off for even another level of self discovery.  

Beginning June 4th, I will be doing a program to help me find a BIG OLE YES for the answer to Question 4 above.  And after that, I have MORE to do!  It's so exciting!  

While part of me can NOT imagine saying, "I think I look awesome just as I am!" at this point of my life, I remind myself that in February, I couldn't imagine NOT eating 2 pounds of Reeces Miniature Peanut Butter Cups, one or two sleeves of graham crackers, 1/2 a box of Lil Bites and a 3-serving bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats to top it off..... IN ONE SITTING..... QUITE FREQUENTLY!!!!!  I won't even get into the damage done at Dunkin Donuts or with Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream.

So, if I can get past THAT, I can do ANYTHING!

Join me in Summer Innanen's Body Image Remix 21 Day Program beginning June 2018.  Learn how to love yourself outside of the diet culture, just as you are.  It IS possible.

There's no food or equipment to buy!  And you get her book for free!  I read the book.....it's awesome!

Summer has a number of recurring programs, as she is a body image, self-confidence, body positivity and self-image coach.....a total powerhouse in the body positivity movement!  And who doesn't need one of those???

Many blessings,
Vicki
xoxox

Lol....makes me giggle every time!